“Take care of yourself!” That was a phrase that I heard over and over again, after my spouse came out publicly in July of 2022. What did that even mean? Was I supposed to get a mani/pedi? Was I supposed to exercise? Eat my vegetables? Drink water? Get a massage? I had no clue where to start.
It wasn’t until I began a step study class through my recovery group the next February that I learned how to take care of myself. Imagine that! A lady who had spent over a half century on Earth just now learning how to take care of herself.
Most of the past fifty plus years were spent taking care of others. First, I took care of, or at least tried to, my newlywed spouse and our first home together – an apartment out of the 1970’s complete with avocado green shag carpet and macramé hooks. I say tried to, because my housekeeping and cooking skills were decidedly lackluster. Our family grew with the birth of our first child almost fourteen months after we were married. Then, his three siblings followed over the next ten and a half years. I was better at taking care of children than a house, but only marginally.
Unresolved childhood trauma created an inner voice that told me that the only way to be sure to not “mess up” or damage my children was to be a perfect mother. I really tried. Unfortunately, my perfectionism was more damaging to my children and husband than if I had simply stumbled through cooking, cleaning, child-rearing, and marriage in my own messy and imperfect nature. But, that’s a story for another time.
Having spent more than thirty years trying to take care of others left me clueless about taking care of myself. In the step study class, the other ladies who were students and our fearless leaders helped set me straight. It didn’t happen right away. It was only about halfway through the class that I learned how to recognize when I needed to take care of myself.
The answer is that I need to take care of myself every day. If I don’t, then my family doesn’t get my best self. My best self is a caring, empathetic, witty, and fun-loving person. My worst self is a person that is pissed off by everything, up to and including someone breathing the wrong way.
I wish that I could write one of those articles, like, “100 Surefire Never-Fail Self-Care Must Do’s that Everyone Over 30 Needs to Know’. Well, I could write it, but I would be lying. Self-care is as unique as each person is unique. What works for one person, might not work for everyone.
If you are looking for ways to take care of yourself, begin by interviewing yourself. Ask yourself the following questions:
- What do I like to do?
- What activity, when I do it, causes me to lose track of time?
- How do I feel about my appearance?
- If I don’t like it, what can I do for fifteen minutes that will help me feel better about it?
- What were my favorite things to do as a child? If it’s an activity that could result in a broken bone, maybe start out slow on this one,
- If I had an hour to spend where I could go anywhere and do anything, where would I go and what would I do?
- Lastly,thank you, Marie Kondo, what sparks joy?
For me, working the twelve steps is the most crucial self-care that I do. I believe that everyone can benefit from them. However, not everyone is ready to just go out and join a twelve step group, much less take time to spend actually working on doing the steps and the tasks implied in each step. Again, twelve step readiness is as unique as each person. In my natural enthusiasm, I learned the hard way that it’s not good for a relationship to tell someone else that they should go to a twelve step group.
A recovery program works best when the participant wants to do it.
I said earlier that taking care of yourself needs to happen everyday. It really does. The reason I know this is because I didn’t do it for a long time. Over that time of ignoring myself, I was depressed, stressed, filled with anxiety, guilt, shame, and self-loathing. No one knew it, though. I would hide behind a smile and say “Fine”, for many years when someone would ask how I was. Eventually, I could not lie anymore, but I still said “FINE”, referring to the acronym of Effed up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. When I got to the point where I couldn’t go on, I was shown a way out. But, that’s another story for another time.
Be well my friends and take care!
Journey with Monica 