Reentry

The definition of reentry is “the act of retaking possession of land, etc, under a right reserved in an earlier transfer of the property, such as a lease. the return of a spacecraft into the earth’s atmosphere.” Today I have been preparing for and experiencing my own form of reentry. It has been sixteen days since I have slept at my house. This is longest time that I have spent away from home since I tried out college for six months.

It is too simplistic to say that college life was not for me. It’s also inaccurate. College life definitely suited me. It was the academic life that didn’t suit. In the more than three decades since I left higher education, I have thought about and tried to come up with an explanation for why I didn’t succeed. Nope. I got nothing. There’s probably a deep psychological reason, but I haven’t delved into it. There’s something about experiencing failure, rather than being motivated to do better, I will cease any and all activity in that direction.

This is an all-or-nothing thinking pattern. After completing the step study class, I started a class on healing from trauma. It was there that I learned that this all-or-nothing pattern is how I dealt with the trauma. Because the traumatic events occurred before I was eighteen, I have been classified as a childhood trauma survivor. In class, I made a joke about this, because I am extremely uncomfortable being called a survivor. I told the rest of the class that I survived, because I didn’t know that I had been given an option.

This was an attempt at humor to deflect because I had no response to being called a survivor. When I think survivor, I think of holocaust survivors and cancer survivors. What did I survive? I survived being a kid. Yes, my family had problems. But, doesn’t everyone have problems in their family?

In all likelihood my lack of preparedness for the college experience is rooted in coping skills that I learned as a child. Once in an environment where I was treated as an adult, I had no blueprint for navigating this new phase.

Now, thirty plus years later, I still have no blueprint for navigation. But, my need and desire for one has decidedly decreased. What changed? I decided to take Jesus seriously. He said that there’s only two things that I must do – love God and love other people. I can do that. Mostly.

In order for me to do it all of the time, I would need to stay off the Atlanta interstate highway system. But, I have taken measures to help me not be so uptight while I drive. I now have a ride-along mascot that helps me not take driving so seriously.

Yes. I put a small stuffed Buc-ee the beaver on the dashboard of my car. When I start to feel my anger kick in, I look at Buc-ee and smile. Yes, it’s silly. I prefer to think of it as a new way to cope.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that I don’t get mad anymore. I’m not perfect. If I was perfect, I would not need God in my life. In my brokenness, I sought after the One who can heal me. I am not healed, yet, and I won’t be this side of Heaven. But, there are amazing people in my life that encourage me to “do better”. I am thankful that my re-entry tonight included some of them.