“Grandchildren are the crown of aged men, And the glory of children is their fathers [who live godly lives].”
Proverbs 17:6 AMP
https://bible.com/bible/1588/pro.17.6.AMP
Happy birthday to my dad! If he was alive, today he would be 83. This is the third birthday that I haven’t been able to celebrate with him in person. Grief hasn’t gotten any easier for me in the three and a half years since he’s been gone. I have become more familiar with it. So, I am not likely to be caught off guard as much as I was early on in my grief journey. But, that doesn’t mean that I am managing or controlling my grief. Untangle Your Emotions by Jennie Allen and books on grief advise against stuffing or trying to control emotions. I am going along with them. I jfeel everything now.
When I think about my dad, I have many mixed emotions. When I was a preteen to a young adult, my dad drove me crazy. Since we had similar personalities, it was difficult to communicate then, without one of us getting upset. When I think of my dad, regret is one emotion that comes up, along with exasperation and frustration. As I got older, it was easier to talk with him, and I enjoyed our conversations and his sense of humor, which is alot like mine. Happiness and joy are other emotions that crop up when I think of Dad. But, sadness is the most prevalent one.
Today, I am definitely sad. I wish that my dad were here for me to celebrate with him. I loved surprising him on his birthday. It helped that my dad was someone who appreciated surprises. His reaction to my surprise visits made me want to do more of them. I got such a positive reaction to my surprise 79th birthday visit that I decided to do it again for his 80th birthday. I am glad that I did. It was the last birthday I celebrated with him.
Logically, I know that my dad is celebrating every day. He is worshiping and praising God with his grandparents, parents, and cousins. These same people were at several of his childhood birthday parties. I imagine the celebration now is better than any of his childhood celebrations. This thought is what keeps me from sinking into despair. It I can’t be with Dad, I am so glad that he is with his Father.
Dad, I miss you. I love you. I know that you are keeping tabs on all of us. You are likely shaking your head at us worrying about things that probably don’t matter. I am glad that you were my father. I am thankful for the memories, good and bad. You did the best job that you could, given the material you had to work with – me! I know that you are doing great and that when we’re reunited it will seem like no time at all has passed. Bye for now, Monica.
Journey with Monica 