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Today is my birthday. I am not celebrating a new decade. So, I really hadn’t thought much about it. I had hoped to just treat it as any other day. When I woke up this morning, it was clear that I had made another trip around the Sun. I knew that it was raining, before I looked out of the window – my joints were achy.

It’s official. I have turned into my grandmothers. Both of them could predict the weather with their body parts. I would hear stories from them that their “room-a-tizz” and “author-eye-tiss” knew when precipitation was going to happen.

I loved my grandmothers. But, they were old. I don’t feel old. I feel like I did in my 20’s or 30’s. At least I do until I speak to someone who is in their 20’s or 30’s. Then, I am aware of my advancing age.

I still haven’t decided what I want to be when I grow up!!! I can’t be old! I have heard that, “Growing older is mandatory, but growing up is optional.” My age has given me tiny a bit of wisdom, but I hope that my zest for living gives me an attitude that is younger than my chronological age!

This is probably how a mid-life crisis begins. A person has gotten to a place in their lives where they finally have the freedom and finances to do what they wanted to do when they were younger, but couldn’t. The sports car is bought. The face has a few more lines. So, an appointment with a plastic surgeon is made.

I am not going to get a sports car or a facelift. I am going to do some things that I wanted to do when I was younger, but didn’t even think that I could, because I had children living at home. Thanks to rise in housing costs, groceries, and gas, but not salaries, I still have children living at home. Putting things off is no longer acceptable.

I was reminded this week to live each day as though it were my last. This is not the license to go crazy that it once was. I have learned over time that my body is breakable and facing the morning after consequences aren’t fun. However, I will take some small steps to try new things.

I look forward to writing about my new experiences. I might learn a new skill, discover a city that is a diamond in the rough, or maybe I will get pink and purple highlights! Who knows? Wherever this next 365 day adventure takes me, I hope that I will discover more about myself as I journey with Monica.

Today, at my recovery meeting, I picked up two one year tokens. I missed last week’s meeting. I should have picked up one last week and another this week. But, I wasn’t feeling well enough to go last week. What I did to earn these tokens is between God and myself. I also could not have earned them without Him.

A little over a year ago, I knew that I needed to change something I was doing. I didn’t want to. It didn’t feel right to me. I was one hundred percent justified in my behavior. Anyone else would say so, too. Anyone, that is, but God. God’s radical love did not line up with my actions. He made it clear that He still loved me and I wasn’t being punished. God just thought that I could do better. It was like every single elementary school report card that I had to take home to be signed by my parents. At least once, and sometimes more than once per year there would be these words in the comment section of my report card, “Monica is not living up to her potential. She needs to apply herself. Also, she needs to control her talking during class.” God let me know that I wasn’t living up to my potential and I would need to apply myself and change my behavior. It felt unnatural, but I did it.

After about a week of this behavior change, God told me I needed another change. Since I had stopped doing something bad, I had to replace that bad behavior with a good one. I didn’t feel any more qualified to do this good thing than I desired to stop the bad. I also knew that me living the way I wanted had landed me in recovery. I knew that the only way to break the insanity was to change.

I agreed to go along with God’s plan. One day at a time. Sometimes it was one minute at a time. It has not been an easy year. However, I feel better and I act better. I could not have pulled this off without the presence of God in my life. He took the ashes I offered to Him and He gave me beauty in return. For this I am thankful. With God I am able to finally live up to my potential.

“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭61‬:‭1‬-‭3‬ ‭NIV‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/111/isa.61.1-3.NIV

“Listen, my people, to my teaching; tilt your ears toward the words of my mouth. I will open my mouth with a proverb. I’ll declare riddles from days long gone— ones that we’ve heard and learned about, ones that our ancestors told us. We won’t hide them from their descendants; we’ll tell the next generation all about the praise due the LORD and his strength— the wondrous works God has done. God led his own people out like sheep, guiding them like a flock in the wilderness. God led them in safety—they were not afraid! But the sea engulfed their enemies! God brought them to his holy territory, to the mountain that his own strong hand had acquired. God drove out the nations before them and apportioned property for them; he settled Israel’s tribes in their tents.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭78‬:‭1‬-‭4‬, ‭52‬-‭55‬ ‭CEB‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/37/psa.78.1-55.CEB

Bless the Lord, O my soul. As I reflect on my life, God, I praise You for my hardships. I praise You for my heartbreaks. I praise You for my disappointments. Because of the difficulties that I experienced, I have a story to tell about my redemption and Your love and goodness.

I can’t believe that I am saying this, given how much time I spent praying for the exact opposite, but thank You. I am so very glad that You are in charge, and I’m not. My story is more interesting because of my unanswered prayers. Correction: the prayers were answered. They were just answered with a “Trust Me,” instead of a”Yes.”

“Trust Me,” is what You are saying to me now. I appreciate the peace that Your reply gives. I don’t have to worry about making stuff happen, because You’ve got everything under control. You take my stress and my worries and in return, You give me Your peace and strength. I am definitely coming out on the better end of this.

My story is not finished, yet. You’re still hard at work on it. The unknown future is a bit scary, if I let myself think about it. So, I just don’t think about it. I am not quite as bad as an ostrich burying it’s head in the sand, but close. I release my fear and anxiety to You. I receive Your love and Your guidance.

Thank you for my story this far. Thank You for showing me how to survive. Thank You for the friends that I have made. Thank You for healing me, at least some of the way. I know that there’s more healing to come. I will wait and watch You until that happens. I love You. Amen.

“Then He said, ‘The kingdom of God is like a man who throws seed on the ground; and he goes to bed at night and gets up every day, and [in the meantime] the seed sprouts and grows; how [it does this], he does not know. The earth produces crops by itself; first the blade, then the head [of grain], then the mature grain in the head. But when the crop ripens, he immediately puts in the sickle [to reap], because [the time for] the harvest has come.’ And He said, ‘How shall we picture the kingdom of God, or what parable shall we use to illustrate and explain it? It is like a mustard seed, which, when it is sown on the ground, even though it is smaller than all the [other] seeds that are [sown] on the soil, yet when it is sown, it grows up and becomes larger than all the garden herbs; and it puts out large branches, so that the birds of the sky are able to make nests and live under its shade.’ ”
‭‭Mark‬ ‭4‬:‭26‬-‭32‬ ‭AMP‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/1588/mrk.4.26-32.AMP

Dear Lord God,

Thank You for the wonder of Your creation. It’s truly amazing how things are grown. A seed is placed in the dirt and covered up. Then with rain and sunshine a plant shoots up out of the dirt. Wow! The way that things grow is just one more cool thing that You did. When I think about all of what You made simply by speaking, the words of the psalmist echos in my head, “What is man that You are mindful of him? For You have made him a little lower than angels.”

When I look up at the immense sky, day or night, compared to the bigness of Your creation, I feel very small. Then, when I consider how the body works, how intricate a single strand of hair is… I mean it contains DNA! Don’t even get me started on DNA. I could go on for hours about the care You put into every single one of Your created works.

Spending time outside among the trees on a mountain trail or on the shore of a body of water is one of the ways that I feel close to You. The sky overhead becomes the ceiling of a cathedral and the ground below me, a tile floor. The trees become pillars and supports to the walls of air around me. The sounds of nature are a choir singing Your praises. And I, made small by the enormous architecture that surrounds me, I worship the One who made it all with one breath. I am humbled and amazed. You must truly love us to create such a beautiful place for us to live.

Oh God, how majestic is Your name in all the Earth! Heaven and Earth are chock full of Your glory. Thank You for Your creation. I love You so much. Amen

Today’s verse was used by Handel as the inspiration for the first chorus of Messiah. When I read this part of Isaiah, I have to listen to a recording of Messiah. Otherwise, I will have the chorus running through my head on a never-ending loop!

“For to us a Child shall be born, to us a Son shall be given; And the government shall be upon His shoulder, And His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭9‬:‭6‬ ‭AMP‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/1588/isa.9.6.AMP

Heavenly Father, Mighty God, Your name has power. That’s why Jacob asked You what Your name was after He wrestled with You. He wanted to have some control over You. But, You never told him. When Moses asked the same question for the same reason, You just said, “I Am.” This is because no one has more power or is greater than You, Lord.

Wonderful Counselor, lean in close to hear my heart’s confession. You know the longings of my heart and my desires. Please guide me in Your path. I don’t lean on my own understanding, but trust you to guide me. Your advice is always perfect. You don’t force Your will on me. But, I have followed my free will enough times to know that You don’t make mistakes like I do. If I allow You to counsel me, I know that I will be walking the way of righteousness.

Everlasting Father, there’s no end to Your reign. Before the world was made, You existed. When this world ends and the next begins, You will still be on Your throne. You have perspective that I don’t. When I pray for things, I do it with my limited human understanding of the past and the present circumstances. But, when You answer prayers, You do it with Your complete and total understanding of the past, present, and future. Please help me to trust You when things are bleak. I know that You will never leave me in the dark place. But, with my human frailty, I don’t see the light of the future.

Prince of Peace, come and rule over my heart. My heart needs Your peace, because it’s very volatile. I need Your peace, so I can just get through the day. The world is not a peaceful place, and that disharmony rubs off on me. It causes me to fret and feel anxious. Please guide me and show me how I might live a life filled with Your peace that passes all understanding.

Jesus, thank You for making Yourself known to me. As I reflect on Your sacrifice that was motivated by the purest love, I realize how truly unworthy I am to receive this gift. At the same time, I am so profoundly grateful. A mere “thank You” is not the correct response to this gift. The only response I have is to live a life where every moment is lived in a state of gratitude.

Holy Spirit, You are the Advocate that was sent by Jesus, after He returned to the Father, to remain with us. I am so thankful that I don’t know where to begin. You remain with me and You teach me every day what makes up a life that is lived in connection with God. You give me discernment to know right from wrong. You give me the words to speak and write. You make it possible for me to love the unlovable. You also intercede for me on my behalf in the Heavenly realm. I absolutely couldn’t do life without You.

God, You are the wind beneath my wings. You are my shepherd. You are every single breath that is in my body. You are the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end. You are Amazing Grace. You are the Rock of Ages. Without You, there’s no me. My thank You’s seem so puny compared to You, but it’s all I have. Thank You for drawing near to me. I love You, Lord. Amen.

”They have treated superficially the [bloody] broken wound of My people, Saying, ‘Peace, peace,’ When there is no peace.“
‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭6‬:‭14‬ ‭AMP‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/1588/jer.6.14.AMP

God,

It’s not a big secret that the world is a hurting place. There’s the war between Russia and Ukraine and the war between Israel and Hamas. These wars are causing pain to thousands who are affected by the fighting. Closer to home, the costs are rising while salaries are staying the same. Or, if there’s been a raise in pay this past year, the percentage increase in salary is lower than the percentage of inflation. There’s people battling cancer and there’s people burying their children. The world is grieving Lord. I am screaming for You to intervene and help the hurting people.

Lord, comfort those who are mourning. I pray that You will grant them Your strength to get through the day and Your peace to give them a calm in the midst of sorrow.

God, help those who are struggling financially. Help them to be able to afford the necessities and one or two luxuries to bring joy to their lives. If a job is needed, I pray that You will guide the jobseekers to the job that You have prepared in advance for them. If networking is needed, I pray for “random” encounters with friends and family, who can lead them to their next job.

God, please heal the sick. Heal those who are physically ill. Also, I pray for those who’s illness can’t be diagnosed. Guide the doctors in their research to find the right treatment. Lord, heal the emotionally sick and the mentally sick. So often these illnesses go undiagnosed, because they aren’t readily visible. Also, heal me, God. Let my health be part of my testimony to Your compassion.

Lord, heal the families. If there’s a rift in a family that is causing pain, bind up the wounds. If families are separated by distance or divorce, if possible, bring about reunification. God, I pray especially for those families who have a member or members that are fighting in harm’s way. I pray for a shield of protection for those who are fighting for freedom.

God, I pray for the persecuted. If someone is being demonized for being the person that You have called them to be, I pray for the end of the torment. For people of faith who are living in unfriendly and hostile areas, I pray for a special blessing. Please protect them and hide them in plain sight from those who seek to hurt or kill them.

You have created such a beautiful world with so many wonderful people. It breaks my heart when I encounter the pain in the lives of others, either in person or by way of the news. Please show those who are questioning whether they should live or die all the reasons why they should live.

Thank You, God, for listening to my prayer. I know that the there are good things happening in the world. But, it’s rarely spoken of on the daily news. Show us the good that is out there, or how we can be a part of good that is yet to be done. You are so loving and compassionate, that I know the pain breaks Your heart as well. You are not ignorant of it. I know that You care. I needed to remind myself of Your goodness while it feels like there’s pain no matter where I turn. I love You. Amen.

“Grandchildren are the crown of aged men, And the glory of children is their fathers [who live godly lives].”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭17‬:‭6‬ ‭AMP‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/1588/pro.17.6.AMP

Happy birthday to my dad! If he was alive, today he would be 83. This is the third birthday that I haven’t been able to celebrate with him in person. Grief hasn’t gotten any easier for me in the three and a half years since he’s been gone. I have become more familiar with it. So, I am not likely to be caught off guard as much as I was early on in my grief journey. But, that doesn’t mean that I am managing or controlling my grief. Untangle Your Emotions by Jennie Allen and books on grief advise against stuffing or trying to control emotions. I am going along with them. I jfeel everything now.

When I think about my dad, I have many mixed emotions. When I was a preteen to a young adult, my dad drove me crazy. Since we had similar personalities, it was difficult to communicate then, without one of us getting upset. When I think of my dad, regret is one emotion that comes up, along with exasperation and frustration. As I got older, it was easier to talk with him, and I enjoyed our conversations and his sense of humor, which is alot like mine. Happiness and joy are other emotions that crop up when I think of Dad. But, sadness is the most prevalent one.

Today, I am definitely sad. I wish that my dad were here for me to celebrate with him. I loved surprising him on his birthday. It helped that my dad was someone who appreciated surprises. His reaction to my surprise visits made me want to do more of them. I got such a positive reaction to my surprise 79th birthday visit that I decided to do it again for his 80th birthday. I am glad that I did. It was the last birthday I celebrated with him.

Logically, I know that my dad is celebrating every day. He is worshiping and praising God with his grandparents, parents, and cousins. These same people were at several of his childhood birthday parties. I imagine the celebration now is better than any of his childhood celebrations. This thought is what keeps me from sinking into despair. It I can’t be with Dad, I am so glad that he is with his Father.

Dad, I miss you. I love you. I know that you are keeping tabs on all of us. You are likely shaking your head at us worrying about things that probably don’t matter. I am glad that you were my father. I am thankful for the memories, good and bad. You did the best job that you could, given the material you had to work with – me! I know that you are doing great and that when we’re reunited it will seem like no time at all has passed. Bye for now, Monica.

“Praise the Lord! For it is good to sing praises to our [gracious and majestic] God; Praise is becoming and appropriate. The Lord is building up Jerusalem; He is gathering [together] the exiles of Israel. He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds [healing their pain and comforting their sorrow]. He counts the number of the stars; He calls them all by their names. Great is our [majestic and mighty] Lord and abundant in strength; His understanding is inexhaustible [infinite, boundless]. The Lord lifts up the humble; He casts the wicked down to the ground. Sing to the Lord with thanksgiving; Sing praises to our God with the lyre, Who covers the heavens with clouds, Who provides rain for the earth, Who makes grass grow on the mountains. He gives to the beast its food, And to the young ravens that for which they cry. He does not delight in the strength (military power) of the horse, Nor does He take pleasure in the legs (strength) of a man. The Lord favors those who fear and worship Him [with awe-inspired reverence and obedience], Those who wait for His mercy and lovingkindness. Praise the Lord, O Jerusalem! Praise your God, O Zion! For He has strengthened the bars of your gates, He has blessed your children within you. He makes peace in your borders; He satisfies you with the finest of the wheat. He sends His command to the earth; His word runs very swiftly. He gives [to the earth] snow like [a blanket of] wool; He scatters the frost like ashes. He casts out His ice like fragments; Who can stand before His cold? He sends out His word and melts the ice; He causes His wind to blow and the waters to flow. He declares His word to Jacob, His statutes and His ordinances to Israel. He has not dealt this way with any [other] nation; They have not known [understood, appreciated, heeded, or cherished] His ordinances. Praise the Lord! (Hallelujah!)”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭147‬:‭1‬-‭20‬ ‭AMP‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/1588/psa.147.20.AMP

O God,

You are the Creator of all. You created everything from the smallest particles to the largest galaxies. Thank You for also creating me. Even though my time on Earth is short, I have already learned so many things. I have learned how to laugh and love. I have learned how to worship You. I am in awe of Your creation, especially the beach! Sitting and listening to the waves, I feel so close to You. Your creation reflects Your amazing power. I love to sit in nature and feel You all around me. You are so amazing. You could have created people to just love and worship You automatically. But, instead You gave us free will, so that we would choose to love You on our own. I must admit that I don’t understand it. But, I appreciate the chance to choose You. For me, though, it’s not much of a choice. Loving You is very easy to do. I struggle with obeying You. But, I pray that I will get better at that as time passes. Your plans are so much better than mine, but I don’t always understand them. Sometimes, they don’t seem logical, so I get confused. Thank You for Your patience with me. I am thankful that You think that I am worth Your time and trouble. You are so amazing. When I am going through rough patches in my life, it’s easy to whine and complain. Help me, please, to not get caught in the negative thought spiral. Please be merciful and rescue me from myself. Thank You for Your guidance and direction. Please continue to show me the right path out of my mess. What looks good to me, may not be what is best for me. I want Your best. You know better. Your will for me is what I want, too. I don’t know what it is and I don’t know what to do. I will continue to wait while I listen for guidance. I love You, Lord. Thank You for putting up with me. Amen

”Your lovingkindness and graciousness, O Lord, extend to the skies, Your faithfulness [reaches] to the clouds. Your righteousness is like the mountains of God, Your judgments are like the great deep. O Lord, You preserve man and beast. How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God! The children of men take refuge in the shadow of Your wings. They drink their fill of the abundance of Your house; And You allow them to drink from the river of Your delights. For with You is the fountain of life [the fountain of life-giving water]; In Your light we see light.“
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭36‬:‭5‬-‭9‬ ‭AMP‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/1588/psa.36.5-9.AMP

Gracious Lord,

I love you, even when …

I am in pain.

life seems like it’s going wrong.

I don’t know up from down or In from out.

I have no answers to my questions.

You feel so remote.

I feel like I am worn slap out.

Lord, I know that you love me with an everlasting love. You want to give me a heart of flesh instead of a heart of stone, but my heart of flesh is aching. I am feeling so very sad and full of regret. My birthday approaches and Tennessee Ernie Ford’s 16 Tons is echoing in my head. I survived another year, and what do I get? Another year older and deeper in debt. In Your goodness, I know that You have a plan for me and my life. It would be amazing if You would share it with me. I am doing what I think I should be, and I am not feeling good about it. I trust You one hundred percent. If l am on a wrong path, please let me know. I want to know that I am walking in Your will. Nothing feels better than being close to You. You are amazing. You are remarkable. You cause all things to work for my good. But, in this time of waiting for You, I am feeling alone and forgotten by you.

I love to see Your creation coming back to life after Winter’s gray and cold. The blooms make my heart smile. But, then thoughts of my allergies kicking in steal the joy I take in seeing the daffodils. Please guide me out of my personal Winter into a glorious Spring.

Please heal my body and heal my heart.

Amen.

”So wait patiently, brothers and sisters, until the coming of the Lord. The farmer waits [expectantly] for the precious harvest from the land, being patient about it, until it receives the early and late rains. You too, be patient; strengthen your hearts [keep them energized and firmly committed to God], because the coming of the Lord is near. Do not complain against one another, believers, so that you will not be judged [for it]. Look! The Judge is standing right at the door. As an example, brothers and sisters, of suffering and patience, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord [as His messengers and representatives]. You know we call those blessed [happy, spiritually prosperous, favored by God] who were steadfast and endured [difficult circumstances]. You have heard of the patient endurance of Job and you have seen the Lord’s outcome [how He richly blessed Job]. The Lord is full of compassion and is merciful.“
‭‭James‬ ‭5‬:‭7‬-‭11‬ ‭AMP‬‬
https://bible.com/bible/1588/jas.5.7-11.AMP

Dear Lord,

You and I both know that patience doesn’t come naturally to me. Now, I am in this situation where I have no alternative but to be patient. I am not You. I can’t control things or make them work out the way that I want them. Is this how patience is developed, by giving me no alternative? I guess that is not entirely true. I do have an alternative. I can choose to have no faith in You to deliver me from my circumstances. I can choose not to believe that You exist. Those so-called choices have already rejected by me. You do exist and I do have faith. Maybe, this is how I learn about patience. I have to wait one month from today to get my kidney stones blasted, thanks to having Covid. I can’t move the surgery any sooner, so I have to endure the pain caused by the stones. In the Bible, I am told that endurance helps to develop my faith. I admire Job not cussing You out for his circumstances, which a lot of his friends said that he ought to do. Since I do admire Job for keeping his mouth shut, I can work towards not whining to You. God, I am not sure what patience looks like. Am I patient because I don’t complain about having to wait, because I know that I have to wait whether or not I complain? That doesn’t feel right. I think that when the wait doesn’t bother me, I will have learned patience. These kidney stones have been with me since 2021, if not longer. Recently, I also had to wait a month before wearing my lenses. It really seems like I’m being put into situations designed to teach me this elusive patience thing. Maybe one way out of this waiting game is to actually develop patience. The lessons are not a whole lot of fun. I must remember that You will stick with me until the good work that You have started is completed. If I can have the faith to trust You, and not whine or fuss over life’s circumstances, I will have found patience. They say that a cheerful heart is good medicine. I am more than ready for good, not just sorta good, but really good medicine. God, help my heart to be cheerful. Maybe then, I will experience patience. For now, I will say that life doesn’t stink. I love You and I trust You to make all things, including me, better. Thank You. Amen.